Group Therapy
by APpLeBun
Summary: Do you have any idea how much of a burden it is to be flawless? I thought not. This is a really funny oneshot about the MarySues of Hogwarts getting together for a little chat, supervised by the school shrink of course. Rated for safety.


Disclaimer: I own all of the Mary-Sue therapy girls. I do not, however, own Draco Malfoy, Quidditch, Harry Potter, Voldemort (a.k.a. You-Know-Who), Dumbledore, or Hogwarts. These all belong to J.K. Rowling, and I am not attempting to take credit for her work.

A/N: This was a lot of fun to write. I came up with the initial idea in my health class about three weeks ago, and have been building on it ever since. I thought it was funny. Hope you like it!

**Group Therapy**

"So, we all know why we're here today right? Ever since we started this little group, I really feel like we've connected, and well, you know how it goes! Up the elevator and to the right, therapy solutions are just in sight!" said the group's psychologist in a sing-song voice. "Today, we'll start with our newest member, Destiny. What's on your mind?"

Destiny immediately burst into tears. "M-my parents are making me…transfer here to Hogwarts!!"

"Ok, Destiny, just take a deep breath. Transferring won't be as bad as you think it will. All the girls here have been through the same thing." Most of the girls in the circle looked sympathetically at her, and nodded. Destiny let out a huge sigh and wiped away some of the tears that were streaming down from her dazzling Caribbean-blue eyes.

"It's j-just so h-hard to talk about. It pains me so," she said. "W-why are they d-doing this t-to me? I always feel like n-no one will ever understand me! No one understands w-what it's like to be m-me! NO ONE! And especially not m-my parents!"

"Easy for you to say," said Lizella Isabella Jasmine Christina Aurora Ageratum Gartnen, a stunningly beautiful girl with hair that was a cascade of delicate golden curls. "Both of my parents are dead." Tears gathered in her deep, mocha brown eyes that had a forever distant and detached look in them. "You-Know-Who killed them, and do you know why?" The girls shook their heads, waiting with bated breath. "He killed them because he needs…_me_." Everyone gasped, and a few shook their gorgeous heads, disbelievingly. She rolled up one of the sleeves on her pale blue Abercrombie sweatshirt. "See this?" she said, pointing to a number of star shaped cuts on her arm. "Every time he gets really angry or really happy, they bleed like mad." Lizella Jasmine Christina Aurora Ageratum unrolled her sleeve and hung her head. "It's all because of a curse he put on me when I was very young…How I HATE him for doing this to me!!" she cried.

"Girls, I am _so_ glad you all feel comfortable enough to express your pain this way. _Overjoyed_. Indeed, we have all suffered many hardships, but I feel that together, we'll be able to overcome them."

"So is that supposedly what we're here for?" Ember Storm was stretched out in her seat. She was relaxed and completely at ease, not even slightly interested in what was going on around her. Instead, she chose to play with a piece of her pin-straight light sleek black hair that fell perfectly around her shoulders. Staring around at the rest of the girls with her piercing, charcoal colored eyes that were rimmed flawlessly with black eyeliner, she said, "To freaking express our damn feelings?!" Ember Storm laughed a mirthless laugh. "I have no feelings."

Angry red patches appeared on her usually smooth and creamy cheeks. "In fact," she said, getting up and beginning to pace the room. "I don't have friends either. And I don't care about my parents or relatives, or classes, or any of that garbage. None of it matters anyway, ok, because I've found the love of my life and he's all I'll ever need…Darco Malfoy (A/N: this is an intentional misspelling!), the Slytherin Prince."

"Wait," someone shouted, springing to her feet. Regan Goneril Cordelia Volkman was glaring fiercely at Ember Storm, anger flashing in her mysterious purple eyes. "Draco Malfoi is the love of _my_ life!!!" (A/N: another intentional misspelling)

Ember Storm whipped around to face Regan Goneril Cordelia Volkman. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah, you heard me, he's **mine**. He tells me he loves me all the time, and I can see it, the look he gets in his icy blue-green eyes every time he looks at me…so back off."

"His soulful blue eyes only have love for ME!"

"Girls, please, let's not turn against each other. We're all here to help one another. Remember, birds of a feather flock together!"

"Who wants to be a bird?" whispered Diamond to her two sisters, Sapphire and Tourmaline. Diamond, Sapphire, and Tourmaline were triplets, and all looked exactly alike. The three girls all had the same light blonde, almost platinum, colored wavy hair that fell effortlessly over their shoulders. They had natural tan skin, and were also all thin, but not in an anorexic-thin way, more of a just-right kind of thin. The only difference between the girls was their eyes. Each girl had a different color: Diamond's eyes were clear and sparkly, while Tourmaline's turned slowly from emerald green to a bright sky blue. And Sapphire, respectfully, had sapphire colored eyes.

"Can we please hurry it up here?" called Celestina Ward, the star Gryffindor Quidditch player. "I've got Quidditch practice in half an hour, and the whole team is counting on me to win Saturday's match. And," she added smugly. "Harry will be missing me."

"Not with those cuticles he won't!" someone shouted. Celestina wrinkled her nose.

"Well, you think he'd love you with that weird scar on your cheek?"

"Ew, my brother does not love you!" a girl called Olivia interrupted. Several girls looked scandalized.

"Merlin's beard, Harry Potter is your _brother_?"

"Of course he is," said a girl who actually did look a lot like Harry. They had the same brilliant green eyes and also the same jet-black hair (though hers was not _nearly_ as untidy, heavens no). "When Voldemort came to our house and killed our parents, he killed me to, but I was later reincarnated through the forces of space and time. Oh, and Harry's deep love and remorse for his dead sister. We were then separated; he stayed here and I went to live with a muggle family in the Americas. But now, we're together again."

"Truly inspirational!" cried the psychologist. "Though romance goes awry, sibling bonds shall never die…" She wiped a single tear from her eye.

Arguments erupted once again, and it was so loud in the room that Aphrodite barely heard her cell phone ringing. Quickly, not wanting to miss the call, she held up her hand and magically stopped time. "Thank Godric," she said to herself. "Peace and quiet." She spent exactly twenty-two minutes and thirteen seconds chatting happily with Bliase Zambini (A/N: yet another intentional misspelling), who had cut class to talk to her. "Half past one at the Black Lake? Sounds a- to the –mazing. Ok, see you then." Hanging up, she did a complicated hand motion, and time progressed once more.

"Girls, girls!" Silence reigned once more. "Let's go to someone we haven't heard from in awhile, shall we? How about you, Polynesia?"

She sighed. "What about me? I don't have any problems. Well, except that my love life is all tangled. I can hardly pick from the seventy-six different guys who all seem to be madly in love with me, and I'm so blinded by their good-looks and roguishness that it seems impossible to choose just one." She said this with an air of great haughtiness, sighed again, and flipped her effervescent waves of milk chocolate colored hair. "But other than that, I don't even see why **I** need to be here. I mean, it's not like I have, say, emotional scarring or whatnot. My mother's a model for Godric's sake, I'm filthy rich! Everyone adores me, what else should I need?"

"Er, ok then…well, to each her own, as I always say! Moving on then." She looked around the room until her eyes fell upon a young girl with gentle brown curls and eyes the color of the reddest ruby. She had a fair complexion, and curves in all the right places. "How about you, Atropos?" Atropos slowly looked up.

"Me? Me...Well alright." She got up and moved to the center of the circle. "My story is simple and pretty straightforward. I lived a pretty good childhood, with a muggle family in a town not far from London. I thought I was a muggle, convinced that these people were my real parents. So, you can imagine my surprise when I received my letter to Hogwarts. Once I got here…the truth was revealed. For you see, I…_am Voldemort's daughter_. I also happen to be in love with Harry Potter." Every eye was upon Atropos; shock, disbelief, and even fear stained their faces. "But do you know what? I forsake my father!! DAMN HIM!" she cried out angrily, tears in those bitter red eyes of hers. "Harry and I have plans…we're going to run away together…because he loves me. Every time he looks into my eyes, he sees not hatred or death…rather love, even passion. My last secret to tell…I am pregnant…with Malfoy's baby." There was a sharp intake of breath from Regan Goneril Cordelia and an angry exhale from Ember Storm.

The group therapist started to clap, as did everyone else. "That was…simply _tragic_!" She cried. "Happiness we shall find, when we put out miseries behind."

"Well, if that's all…" Charis sighed, filing her nails.

"Indeed…well ladies, until next time…"

But Charis hung behind, waiting for Atropos. "So…does Malfoy wear boxers or briefs?"


End file.
